Beware the Park Slope Hooker Dog Thief

Click to enlarge the Park Slope Hooker Dog Thief.

I’m generally a big fan of the Park Slope Food Coop. The fresh produce and low prices can’t be beat. It’s a great community center and I always run in to friends and colleagues when I’m shopping and working there. The Coop provides a steady customer base for a slew of outstanding food producers around New York City while taking dollars out of the industrial food system. And in this age of market hegemony the Coop shows that when done right, socialism can really work. The Coop grossed nearly $40 million last year and, by some measures, is now substantially more profitable and efficient than capitalist counterparts like Trader Joes and Whole Foods, according to Fortune Magazine. Thanks to the Park Slope Food Coop, the creeping threat of socialist grocery shopping is growing. There are six other food coops in various stages of formation throughout Brooklyn right now. Take that, Glenn Beck.

But, man, if we’re being honest about it, let’s acknowledge that Park Slope-style socialism can also be a pain in the ass. If you miss a shift or two you’re doomed. My Food Coop membership status is in a nearly constant state of “alert” or “suspension” and I seem to spend most of the year digging out, paying back my debt to society with extra work shifts.

And there was that one time last year when the woman checking out my groceries, a volunteer member-owner like myself and everyone else who shops at the Coop, made two full-fledged business phone calls while very slowly and distractedly running my items through the bar code scanner. When I begged her to stop dialing and hold off on her third phone call until after she’d finished checking me out she snapped back something like, “Look, man, I work for Impoverished New Yorkers Seeking Justice. And this phone call, is a lot more important than that.” She pointed scornfully at my grass-fed organic hamburger meat. You might get some gum-snapping attitude at the Key Food but the checkout lady is never under the illusion that she’s doing you a big favor.

My job at the Coop is “receiving.” I’m, essentially, a stock boy. I bring items up from the basement and put them on the shelves. Currently, I find myself on a work squad with somewhat overbearing, Type A management. During my last shift, an obsessive compulsive Coop coordinator harangued me repeatedly for stacking eggs without facing the expiration dates forward. I pointed out that the eggs were all expiring on November 12th — in six weeks — and that every single egg carton I stacked was likely to be picked up and purchased in a matter of hours. And besides, in a previous egg stacking episode, the Coop’s chief egg buyer gave me detailed egg stacking instructions (yes, there is a special technique for stacking egg cartons), specifically telling me that the eggs fly off the shelf too fast to spend time worrying about expiration dates. Though I did comply with her orders, the Coop coordinator clearly didn’t appreciate my back-talk and I got the feeling that I was on my way to being brought up before the sexual harassment and racism committee.

So, at the end of this last shift I decided I needed to get myself moved to a new work squad. As I headed up the stairs to the Coop office, a flier on the public bulletin board caught my eye. It showed a tattooed woman in a short, shiny dress and stiletto heels posing somewhat awkwardly in a messy looking room. Scrawled next to the photo, the flier read, “Dog thief and guilty of burglary.” The flier’s author was offering a $500 reward for any information leading to her arrest. “Please call if you see her or dog,” the poster urged. Then I leaned in closer to read the fine print:

“I hired a hooker and she stole my dog!!!! Waahhhh!!!”

Granted, it looks like the “I hired a hooker…” label might have been printed and taped on to the flier after this had been posted, perhaps as commentary by a Coop office worker. But the whole thing is still pretty outstanding. After blacking out the alleged perpetrator’s eyes and arm tattoo and deleting the phone number of John the Dog Owner, I share with you the Park Slope Hooker Dog Thief. Hide your puppies.

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11 Comments

  1. Jym Dyer
    Posted September 30, 2010 at 3:39 pm | Permalink

    =v= Seems to me that the office worker ought to be brought up before the insensitivity committee for writing “hooker” rather than “sex worker.”

  2. Posted September 30, 2010 at 3:45 pm | Permalink

    Someone is going to be brought up for some sort of disciplinary action because of this blog post and it’s probably going to be me.

  3. Benjamin Rosenfeld
    Posted October 1, 2010 at 5:09 pm | Permalink

    He must have thought that hookers were upstanding citizens that he hired the one bad apple. But I suppose is could have been worse, she could have brought in bed bugs…or some other type of bug.

  4. schatzie
    Posted October 1, 2010 at 5:59 pm | Permalink

    Man — wish I’d seen this post before I worked my shift last night; they’ll probably take down the flier before I get back!!

  5. julietuesday@aol.com
    Posted October 1, 2010 at 6:49 pm | Permalink

    You are all misinformed! I have know the man who posted the flyer for over a decade – he does not hire hookers nor did he put that on the flyer. no one is even saying this woman is a hooker – she is a theif. there is more to the story but not what you are all assuming. this woman stole a lot of things from him – but the most horrible thing is that she stole his dog. how can you all be so cruel – does not one of you have an animal that they love? this man is going through hell to get his dog back, so instead of being mean – how about trying to help? how about for one second thinking that “hey, this could happen to me?” and try and find this woman and dog!

  6. The Notorious M.R.
    Posted October 1, 2010 at 7:32 pm | Permalink

    Aaron,
    If you get 86′ed from Das Ko-op, I will personally buy you overpriced locally sourced produce. My g/f and I are signed up for “re-education” camp at the co-op. I want to sign up for the Stasi unit.

    Thanks for the giggles, and I hope you are in my Soviet!

    MR

  7. Carol
    Posted October 2, 2010 at 12:26 am | Permalink

    To julietuesday: Tell your friend that he should also posted a picture of this dog.

  8. julietuesday
    Posted October 2, 2010 at 3:25 pm | Permalink

    carol – yes, thankyou – he did – he had been putting up flyers side by side – she is a one year old white maltese – very sweet – ‘Lola” she is missing one week already! I’m trying to figure out how to post a picture here – blog owner – is there a way i can share a photo of the dog? thankyou

  9. Posted October 2, 2010 at 11:00 pm | Permalink

    Julie, Perhaps you should upload your photo to Flickr.com.

  10. Eric McClure
    Posted October 3, 2010 at 12:17 am | Permalink

    “Miss a shift or two?” C’mon, you are the poster boy for shift-missing recidivism. Only we socialists at the Park Slope Food Coop would give you a second chance as many times as we have.

    Hope the vic and his pooch get reunited, though.

  11. Nick
    Posted October 18, 2010 at 4:13 pm | Permalink

    Aaron, it is good to see you writing again.